excitement.

sitting next to buffer again in another part of the library, she's telling me about her grandfather who is falling apart =(

ready to leave for the retreat, i'll repost with all the wonders on sunday!

library.

i am blogging from the library at lunch, with buffer by my side as she frantically searches for quotes to finish her commonplace book.
yesterday, and today, and probably tomorrow have been/will be a tad crazy. lots to do, so little time. love it.
this weekend our church is going on a retreat, to a rather large house (let me be vauge, it's the internet!). it's going to be oodles of fun, but some people are already comparing it to last year's retreat, saying that it won't be as good. comparisons are what will make the retreat seem lame, never compare something to another, it will only pale in your comparison. this weekend is going to be a new experience, and i'm going to take it as such.
also, take my advice and do not procrastinate, or you'll end up like frantic buffer here. =)

i was annoyed out of my mind at church today.

the band was slightly practicing, except they were mostly fighting about how the songs should go, and in what order. i was setting up the graphics for the service, then everyone came and crowded around me (as they tend to). i accidentaly shut down the computer, because a few people wanted to insert things, and thought they knew how to do it better than i and were being ultra "i'm awesome" about it. church had many electronic errors, and who came up with the idea of letting the band play 3 depressing songs in a row?

the mature ladies were annoyed with the immature boys who kept whispering in the back.

prayer wasn't really prayer, more something we just had to get done to get out.

i realize the message of "where do you need god?" is efficient, but honestly the teenagers are not being reached. we travel and expericence several churches, but ours remains the same. it seems to be more frustrating than endearing.

Love.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?Actually, who are you not to be?You are a child of God.Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone, and as we let our own light shine we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
-Nelson Mandela

Dependent.

I don't want to be dependent.
But I-
I'm so tired of being independent.
Sitting here,
Wishing,
Waiting,
Wanting.
Wishing for you to pick me.
Waiting for you to notice me.
Wanting you.
Who is "you"?
I don't even know.
But I know that I want a "you".
Someone that wishes for me,
Someone that waits for me,
Someone that wants me.
I don't want to settle.
I will only compromise when I finally find the real "you",
That takes me,
As me.

hope.

hello obama, goodbye bush.

tonight is one of those nights when i can't fall asleep until insanely late, then i regret it in the morning. this semester i have a discussion-based course, and there are only 12 (soon to be 9) girls. i have to say that that might not work out so well. unless i just talk the whole period. which is possible. it's about covering all the bases of the holocaust, and learning the history of all the "ism's". i think it's going to be excellent, minus the tiny class factor.
i look up to my closet doors as i type away, and i have to supress a laugh. imagine an ice-blue painted room, with closet doors covered in magazine clippings. the majority are obama bits, neil patrick harris covers a good part, david cook, zac efron, jonas brothers, duke u poster, goethe institute poster, inspirational phrases, and....jack bauer. haha. i think you can learn a lot about a person from their closet doors.

"jellybean, how you doin' jellybean?"

Today for our weekly service project, my friends and I went to, what in reality, was an elderly day care. I think we were put into the senile section though, since I was stalked about by various men (over 80) who wanted me to carry their children. Yikes.
One woman had been overtaken by Alzheimers, but her caretaker told us she used to be part of a girls group called The Cookies in the 1960s, and she was a backup singer for Ray Charles. Today, she just lurks about and stares at people, and elbows the old personnel. Looking beneath the surface never ceases to be amusing.
Another woman, named Juanita, related everything to alcohol. She also won several thousand dollars in bingo competitions in her day, so she's a bit of a bingo celebrity.
Henry, who loves old (I mean old) cowboy movies, and sings randomly to fit the mood.
I loved today, and I'm happily prepared to become old and senile.

Just a chance.

I have to say that I'm disappointed. Then again, I'm obviously a biased source since I've been a democrat since I realized that I don't have to follow my parents.
Obama is taking office tuesday, I'm ultra excited. Some people are still filled with hate though, still making racist jokes, still making snide attacks.
I would say the exact same thing to myself if McCain was about to take office, just give the man a chance. You can't go into a new situation with hate, and bias, and expect things to end up well. What happens will never meet your expectations. You'll never be happy with President Obama, if you are waiting for someone who meets your exact specifications to come along.
I'm sorry for those who are still spiteful about the election, and wish they would bother to learn about the man who is about to take over. If they still aren't satisfied, then why don't they take office? Good luck.

The first, real, post =)

It’s easy to lose yourself, amid the 21st century flood of pressure, graphics, and noise.
I’ve been told that I should go into writing, so here I am. I never thought I was a blogger, but looking at my facebook notes, I realize that’s exactly what I was doing. Just not as available to everyone in the world.
I recently downloaded David Cook’s self-titled album off iTunes. All of my friends know I’m a big David Cook stalker. One of my favorite songs on the album is “permanent.” David wrote 99% of the songs on this album, and all of them show little windows into the his life. This song, along with “A Daily AntheM”, is dedicated to his brother Adam’s (A Daily AntheM) struggle with cancer. Permanent is one of the most sincere, raw songs that I have heard. Secular, and yet filled to the brim with Christ.
It’s one of those songs that reminds me not to lose myself.
“I know he’s going through hell every day, so I ask ‘Oh God is there some way for me to take his pain?’”
It feels into how I’ve been feeling recently pretty damn well. I see people every day going through so much, one person in particular. There’s nothing that they want me to do, but there is everything that I want to do. I’ve prayed, I’ve asked, I’ve yelled. And there is nothing I can do that would make them accept me. Not a thing. Which hurts.
There was a blip on YouTube the other day, showing David Cook accepting his American Idol title. He cried. He always cried.
I wonder what it would be that to be that grateful all the time.

Here it is.

I’m loud, I’m sarcastic, I’m unstable.
I’m shy, I’m happy, I’m everyone’s rock.
I’m multi-faceted.
So when I’m kind to you, don’t ask if you are “back on my good side.”
Chances are you were never on my so-called “bad side”.
I’m a happy single lady.
I wish I wasn’t a single lady.
I coach people through break ups, through make ups, through those trashy nights that they don’t remember (and will never forget).
I demand respect.
I have a hefty fear of sales associates.
You don’t know me, don’t pretend you do. There’s only One who knows everything about me, and it’s certainly not you.
I don’t judge.
I’m judgemental.
Life is a struggle between who you are, who you want to be, who God wants you to be, who your peers want you to be. I’m not perfect, never. You’re not perfect, never. So lean with it, rock with it, because I’ll change who I am. It’s not two-faced, not being fake, not trying to blend in. It’s the struggle to find me.
I love music.
I hate the word “retarded”. (Can I ever express that enough?)
I love dance.
I hate people who say life is terrible. You have a house, however dysfunctional.
I love history.
I hate math.It’s as simple as that, to classify me. And yet, I don’t think I fit.
Not athletic, not a singer, not a scholar.
A giver, a lover, a leaver.
I dislike bitchy people. And yet, you can find I'm the biggest bitch ever if you mess with me.
I have friends all across the board. UA, Dublin, Hilliard, Whitehall, Bexley. Don't act shocked, and ask me how I know so many people.
I don’t know where this is coming from, I don’t really care.
I’m tired of being put in a box of the expected.
Expected to be crazy.
Expected to be hyper.
Expected to be obnoxious.
What if I don’t want to be regular Megan?
I feel like a train, that sees the track switching, but still wants to go on the original path.
I know what I want.
I hate what I want.
I don't want to talk.
I want to talk.
Here it is.