(IJM)

i honestly can not find the words in my brain to explain what occurred this past weekend. i went with friends to International Justice Mission's GPG (go google it...). rather that feeling guilty for how i live in wealth, while others struggle, my learning was enforced and situations brightened. i got to check upon what i had learned about at the 2008 GPG, and zipped about other nations i was interested in.

out of several choices, i decided i wanted to go to all of the african options. inspired by the fact that 3 out the 4 leaders were not born in africa, i prayed the hardest in these countries. in kenya, the leader broke down into tears, explaining how tough the work was on the staff stationed there. i don't think i'm ever going to forget a 6-foot-some man breaking down, about how his passion is slipping away as he runs to catch it with all he has.

i developed what i like to call "clinical prayer shoulder," which still hurts a tad. worth it.

i found out that i (extremely) dislike folk music, female voices are not to my liking. but i also found out that liturgical dance is what i'm meant to help in with the church. while anyone was singing, or humming, i couldn't help but to tap my foot. Ten Shekel Shirt took the stage on many occaisions, and i found myself dancing about.

i like to sleep among suitcases in the back of a van.

i pray short. to the point. no need for long, dragged out cries. get to the point of what you need, what you want for others, then relax in the spirit. in a few of my prayer groups, there were older women (from the south, unless my accent detector has gone wild) who could pray for ten minutes straight. if they really are that passionate, couldn't they raise awareness, or start a foundation at their home? see now i'm off on a rant. foo.

http://www.ijm.org/
http://www.ijminstitute.org/
http://vimeo.com/3893479


listening to: "trouble" by Ray LaMontagne

"'Cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand. What you've been up there searching for forever is in your hands. When you figure out love is all that matters after all, it sure makes everything else seem so small."

spoken word.

i've entered a contest at one of my service projects. because i like to think i am good at this sort of thing. i don't want to reveal too much, but it's going to be excellent. i'll put blips up here until it's done, then i'll record it to my facebook.

"after all, you're my wonderwall. but what are you going to do when we fall? never even move at all? baby, i crawled my way back to you, through storm and rain and lightening and wind. i thought i would find something more than remnants of memories, bits of my life, blown away in that same wind."


listening to: "lions, tigers & bears" by jazmine sullivan

i told you so, but you had to go.

i have no agenda, no motives, no crushes, no point. and i quite like it, as compared to being a strung-out wreck. yet, i miss having a goal, a chase.

not saying my long term goals are shot. i still have the same occupational dreams, it's the short term high school thoughts that are switching.

so i'll wait for the next thing to crash into me, freight train style.

i reccently watched "into the wild" again. i really disliked the end. it is theorized that the main character died from a moldly wild vegtable (since this is a true story), but in the movie he confuses an edible plant with an inedible. i did not like that such a strong story, with a heavy message, ended with the main character falling victim to an accident.

it's the little things.

i'm sitting outside, trying to soak up some sun, since i am not going anywhere for spring break. everyone in my neighborhood has flocked off to florida. college visits fell through, so now im waiting to go to IJM global prayer gathering this weekend! (www.ijm.org). so exciting.

i had one of my largest god times, ever, at ijm last year. there was a band (ten shekel shirt) that played, and i just let it all go. didn't care who heard me singing, didn't care who saw me dancing about. it was fantastic. good friends, good music, good food, god. what else would i want?

i'm going to have to set aside my expectations for this year however, for this year will never match up to last if i'm looking for satisfaction. i catch myself comparing a lot, then i end up never having a good time because i'm obsessed with this time exceeding that time.

my neighbors are gazing at me a little awkwardly. understand that it is warm outside, but still windy. so i have a jacket on that belongs to dad, furry shoes, and shorts. little strange. plus when i listen to music i blast it. so everyone is now subject to my music. haha.

listening to: "to make you feel my love" by kris allen.

you smile, you smile.

i have another hour and a half or so until anyone can hang out, thus i figured it would be useful to blog.

why does death have such power over our faith? why are we so quick to drop god when things are going wrong, rather than cling to him with all our might? people come and go, the circumstances are not always fantastic. we take the consequences, we pick up those fallen behind and care for them with all we have.

my laptop has now become the family laptop, which is obnoxious. mom drains it of battery, crashes it. brother spills food on it, put it in random places. i should be happy that i have computers accessible to me, but i can't keep getting blamed for the idiocracies of my family. i never asked for a laptop, i wanted my family to donate to a charity. but now the temptation is right in front of me, then it has been whisked away.

i changed my facebook to pirate speak? it's quite thrilling, except i don't really understand much of what it says. change yours, quite fun. (this be pleasin' to me eye)

listening to: "livin' our love song" by james michael caroll.

spring break 2009.

"i told you so" by carrie underwood (one of like 3 country songs i like.

Suppose I called you up tonight and told you that I loved you. And suppose I said "I wanna come back home". And suppose I cried and said "I think I finally learned my lesson" And I'm tired a-spendin' all my time alone. If I told you that I realised you're all I ever wanted, And it's killin' me to be so far away. Would you tell me that you loved me too and would we cry together?

Or would you simply laugh at me and say: "I told you so, oh I told you so I told you some day you come crawling back and asking me to take you in. I told you so, but you had to go. Now I found somebody new and you will never break my heart in two again".

If I got down on my knees and told you I was yours forever, Would you get down on yours to and take my hand? Would we get that old time feelin', would we laugh and talk for hours? The way we did when our love first began? Would you tell me that you'd missed me too and that you'd been so lonely And you waited for the day that I return. And we'd live in love forever and that I'm your one and only, Or would you say the tables finally turned?

Would you say: "I told you so, oh I told you so I told you some day you come crawling back and asking me to take you in I told you so, but you have to go Now I found somebody new and you will never break my heart in two again".

"Now I found somebody new and you will never break my heart in two again".

perhaps.

i have bypassed the best of the best. left them by the wayside. so what to do now, settle for second best? wait it out, hope something better and better comes along? throw it all on the line...again?



listening to: "always on my mind" by anoop desai.

finished the afore mentioned novel.

They Weren't There lyrics
Artist - Missy Higgins
Album - The Sound Of White
Lyrics - They Weren't There

You breathed infinity into my world, and time was lost. Up in a cloud and in a whirl. We dug a hole in the cool grey earth and lay there for the night.then you said, 'wait for me we'll fly the wind, we'll grow old and you'll be stronger without him' but oh, now my world is lost at your feet. I was lost and I was found, but I was alive and now I've drowned. So now I will be waiting for the world to hear my song so they can tell me I was wrong,

But they weren't there beneath your stare,and they weren't stripped 'till they were bareof any bindings from the world outside that room. And they weren't taken by the hand and led through fields of naked landwhere any pre-conceived ideas were blown away,so I couldn't say 'no'.

you sighed and I was lost in you, weeks could've past for all I knew. You were the blanket of the over-world and so I couldn't say - I wouldn't say - 'no' But they all said ' you're too young to even know, just don't let it grow and you'll be stronger without him' but oh, now my world is lost at your feet. I was lost and I was found, but I was alive and now I've drowned. So now I will be waiting for the world to hear my song so they can tell me I was wrong,

But they weren't there beneath your stare,and they weren't stripped 'till they were bareof any bindings from the world outside that room.And they weren't taken by the hand and led through fields of naked land where any pre-conceived ideas were blown away,so I couldn't say 'no'.

listening to: "all again for you" by we the kings.

regained my phone.

currently i am reading a book entitled "the men with the pink triangle." it was dictated to heinz heger in 1971, published 1980. the anonymous author was put into concentration camps under hitler's rule for being homosexual, and was compelled to have this book published but remained secretive for all of the trash he was still getting in the 1970s. i am at a part where he is in his first camp, and is put into a barrack with all the other gays. they sleep with the lights on and their hands out of their blankets, but no jew/disabled/jehovah witness/etc has to do this. he encounters a gay priest who is punished for refusing to stop praying...


"i felt i was witnessing the crucifixion of christ in modern guise. instead of roman soldiers, hitlers SS thugs, and a bench instead of the cross. the torment of the savior however was scarcely greater than that inflicted on one of his representatives 1900 years later here in sachsenhausen.

the next morning when we marched...we almost had to carry the priest, who seemed about to collapse from pain and weakness. when our block senior reported to the SS block sergeant, the latter came over to the priest and shouted:...."you filthy queer, you filthy swine, say what you are!" the priest was supposed to repeat the insults, but no sound came from the lips of the broken man. the SS man angrily fell on him and was about to start beating him once again.

suddenly the unimaginable happened, something that is still inexplicable to me and that i could only see as a miracle, the finger of god:

from the overcast sky, a sudden ray of sunshine illuminated the priest's battered face."

in short, this light unnerves those beating the priest. the priest murmurs a small prayer of thanks, and then quietly passes away.

i never expected to find passages like this. and i love it.


listening to: "against the wind" by bob seger

i'm so busy, or should be so busy. it would be so easy to freak out and become overwhelmed right now, but i'm going to refuse. it's days like this that i miss elementary, not the course load and marriages by the slide, but the fact that we had one teacher who had control over how much work me got. today, i have 7 different teachers with seven different agendas, and they could care less about the work in other classes, although they pretend to.

this morning i was at school an hour early to play the violin, as i will be tomorrow. my first period teachers assigned a test for thursday, third period i was assigned a speaking for thursday, fifth period i was alerted to a math test on wednesday, sixth period quiz today, seventh period quiz thursday, eighth period test tomorrow.

welcome to hotel hell, check-in time now, check-out time never.

i'll let you know what this insanity has taught me when i have time over spring break.
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but for now, what does it take to hold two people together? convenience, loyalty, honesty, fidelity, compassion, thrill? fufillment, carelessness, gossip?


listenting to: "baby" by the avons.

gotta love the dom.

"'In the end, it is just you and God.' This is deeply true. However, there is more. Because at the beginning, in the middle, and at each momentary blip – each quanta of time in between, it is just you and God too. It is always just you and God. "




listening to: "danger heartbreak dead ahead" by the marvelettes

from the midst of a breakup.

eating some chips i brought home from my job, the idea strikes me that i'm tired of being known as the bitchy, loud, sarcastic girl who always has a witty comeback. if i am quiet, people ask me what's wrong, and i'm supposed to come up with an explanation. what if i just don't feel like talking? i, naturally, could work to break this judgement by being more forgiving, more kind. but my tolerance for ignorace is 0. interesting line to tread upon.

prom is coming up in about a month and a half. the prom fever hasn't quite set in yet, and i hope it never will. it's is just another box to break out of, another hole of desolation to climb out of. i don't want to worry about a dress, a date, dinner, pictures, how to get there, etc. i know this is supposed to be the time of my life, but it doesn't feel like it. not that i wouldn't be excited to get a date, i'm just not in the right form of mind.

i apologize for my blog being dreary as of late, but i'm actually not sorry. this is me. check the marilyn monroe quote below.

now, chums. i am thinking of getting my hair cut. it is too hot to keep down all the time, due to it being ultra thick. like anne hathway's in the devil wears prada? bangs could be fun...

listening to: "they weren't there" by missy higgins.

hiding from dinner.

It is safe to say that the teenagers of our generation are underestimated. There is a notion that all high school students get into car crashes every week, love MTV, and are irresponsible. It is not a fair judgement, but the teens who live life in the fast lane are the ones that are heard. It doesn’t help that there is rarely good coverage of teenagers working-and succeeding- to make a difference.

Take Zach Hunter, a modern day abolitionist who has published a book (a good one), and appeared on television segments on CNN and Good Morning America. He works to abolish modern-day slavery, such as bonded labor and forced prostitution. He started a foundation called Loose Change to Loosen Chains when he was in 7th grade. Today, Zach Hunter is only 15. There is a reason that so few people have heard of him. A story about a drunken teens getting into a car accident makes better news than a teen working to save those who cannot save themselves.

Thus, a vicious cycle forms. All the majority hears is stories about reckless teens, because they appeal, then stereotypes and clichés form. Positive news is frowned upon. This is where in the underestimation of teens stems from, the blaming the actions of a loud few on the silent whole. This teenage generation is deemed as uninformed, reckless, unfocused.

Yet, how can we be uninformed if we are educated enough to form opinions and be willing to debate them? How can we be reckless if there are groups standing up against drunken driving, and against the desensitization of youth? How can we all not be capable of focusing, if we are surviving at one of the toughest high schools in the state?

What the world doesn’t realize is that there is power in the hands of the youth. We can be the most outspoken in a crowd; we are excellent at predicting the next big music group or the next fashion trend. Parents are finding that their teenager is more internet savvy than the entire household.

Teenagers produce a fresh point of view, and while adults are trying to muscle through walls, teens find ways to go around the roadblock. It takes a fresh mind to be able to watch television, carry on a conversation, and listen to music, all while being focused on homework. This is the type of multi-tasking mindset teenagers have, and it could be put to great use if given a chance.

Seen in one hand as the unknowing underdog, and in the other as the future of a nation, teenagers are highly underestimated through preconceptions.

wandering.

not sure if i will post more, or less over the coming weeks.

i reccently have found myself in quite a spot of trouble, with every lie i ever said coming back to haunt me, people coming out of the woodwork to inform my parents that i offend them, and teachers calling to see what is wrong with me. i have been attempting to convince my parents that this isn't some sort of elaborate "suck it" to them, but my mom still wants me to confess some internal struggle i have been having to justify my actions. truth: this is the person i have become, i apologize.

so over this groundation period, which is supposed to last until the 16th (except i forsee it going longer...), we will see what philsophical things i can collect to discuss. any ideas?

forgive, and never forget.

i'm not quite sure what i'm writing about, but i've forgotten to write for a week(ish) so i feel obligated to attempt at something interesting.

also i don't want to do my english paper yet.

i have decided that my next conquest will be learning how to longboard. no, not surfing, the kind with wheels. i've scootered, rollerbladed, slightly skateboarded, waveboarded, walked and ran. so i have found that longboarding would be the next rational step, and that way i can cruise about while playing my ukelele. all will be good. however, there is one error, most longboards are about as tall as me. hm. we'll see.

listening to: "if you could only see" by tonic.