hey!

follow me on twitter!

www.twitter.com/meganschmeisser

this summer has been crazy, trying to plan my trip to GERMANY next year!

woohoo!

"Now, therefore, I, Barack Obama, President of the United States of America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Constitution and laws of the United States, do hereby proclaim June 2009 as Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Pride Month. I call upon the people of the United States to turn back discrimination and prejudice everywhere it exists."

I’m in a large state of panic. I have several papers due this coming Tuesday, tests, quizzes, german presentations. I’m trying to get it all done this 3-day weekend, but even if I stay home every night, I don’t see it happening.
I’ve never been much of a studier. I just get really bored staring at the same piece of papers for hours. Plus I don’t retain the information, unless it’s an interactive lesson.
Each teacher wants my best effort, but with so much to do, I don't see how I can pour 100% of myself into every little thing....
Yikes, well off I go, wish me luck!



listening to: "nansi imali" by ladysmith black mambo.

I only have a few rules. I feel like I should address one of them.Rule #1: Don't ever use the words "retard" or "retarded" around me.For those of you that don't know, my brother Ryan is Autistic. So at the age of 14, he acts and learns like a 4 year old. Don't get me wrong, I love my brother. He's everything to me. If I lost him, I would probably die. The bond between us? It's something you will find nowhere else.Now back to my reasoning for hating those words. I've beat up several kids for making fun of Ryan back in the day, when they would hurt him and call him names. The hate for their insults has been instilled in me, and it will always stay with me.Isn't saying "wow, that bio test was retarded!" the same as saying "wow, that bio test was autistic!" or "wow, that bio test was mentally challenged!" I think it is. That's why I cringe when someone says "retard" or "retarded."How is it worthwhile to make fun of a friend by calling them "retarded"? It's like me walking up to you, slapping you on the back and going, "hey aspbergers boy! how's it going?" Or making fun of you by calling you "retarded" ("you are so downs syndrome!").I don't get it.I know you may not understand where I'm coming from, since we all come from different walks of life. Nevertheless, I ask, think before you speak. Please don't use those words around me.Thanks in advance.


listening to: "all the above" by t-pain and some other fellow.

i dance during some services at church. not school dance-style, not club-style. more interpretive. this past sunday was the first time i flew solo, without a parter or the whole group. after practicing for weeks and plotting out what i was going to say that morning in the shower, the first service went rather well.

however i was astounded by the people that met me after service, saying my dancing had brought them to tears, they were so moved, etc. i was a tad perplexed as to how me, swirling about at the front of the church moved people to tears. but i think i was gracious, and thanked everyone profusely.

i was unnerved again, when my youth pastor informed me that the head pastor had been moved by my dance as well. i'm not supposed to have this much power...right?

perhaps not power, that's not the right descriptive word. but i felt a bigger weight on my shoulders after sunday, rather than a release. i wasn't just watching after a small group of dancers, a small sect of the youth group, i was watching over the congregation, leading them in something that i always thought should be led by someone much older than i.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
also, i voted for kris allen several times on american idol. just sayin'. and daughtry came out with a new single, which is excellent (no matter the connotation you choose to hear it in). plus, if you have a free minute, go look up mitchell davis on youtube. he's hilarious, and from ohio. i enjoy thinking that i would be like him if i was a boy.

my terrible mircofiction.

The fly, before it hit the light, remembered what outside looked like. Clouds, sharp skylines, breezy grass. Pushing thoughts of freedom away, he made impact. (25 words)

My father, insane and angered, raged into the room. I have been shaped so much by my father’s anger, I am no longer surprised. Mother cowers, a lamp shatters on the ground. Father changes direction, I wait for him to decide. Father pulls my older brother outside, belt in hand. (50 words)

Under a dim streetlamp, Maria met Leo for the last time at dusk. Leo would be packed into a cramped boat during the oncoming dawn, to fight a war he never believed in. Tender words pierced the foggy air, hands intertwined. Neighbors looked on from windows, sighing with the romantics. Small bugs fluttered around the streetlamp, and Maria listened to Leo’s last goodbyes. Shifting his weight from one foot to the other, Leo grasped for the right words to leave Maria with. Promising to write, he shouldered his backpack and turned, only to be shot down from a drive-by shooting. (100 words)

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.

I apologize for the hiatus.

A cousin of mine is a small town girl, living with her family in southern Ohio. Not too long ago she woke up, and found the front of her entire house covered with maple syrup. Windows, walls, gutters, everything. Hateful words were scrawled in chalk along her driveway, her parents’ cars covered in syrup as well. My grandparents were called in a panic, and had to help clean up before the syrup caused permanent damage. Why syrup, I couldn’t tell you, but the group that attacked my cousin’s house did it because my cousin had recently openly announced her homosexuality.

On November 27, 1978, Harvey Milk, the first openly homosexual man to ever be elected into California public office was shot and killed. The killer, Dan White, main defense? That he didn’t kill Milk out of cold blood, he had just not gotten enough sleep, eaten bad food, and was frustrated. White was given a very simple sentence to serve by a sympathetic jury, and riots ensued. Protesters ate Twinkies in the streets to mock White’s defense, and to metaphorically show that they could get away with what occurred during the riots.

Matthew Shepard was viciously beaten on October 6, 1998, by two men that said Sheppard “came on to them.” Shepard died a few days later. All because of his sexual orientation.

As part of an evolving community I find that tolerance will no longer make the cut. Tolerance is described as fair, and permissive, however fairness will not protect those who are persecuted, will not set the confused on the correct course. New, higher levels of respect must be instated, with compassion included rather than plain tolerance. People that go against the “flow” should be accepted as individuals, rather than ostracized as strange.

What does it take to make our community compassionate? Education for one, with teachers/parents telling their students that words like “gay” are not synonymous with “stupid.” Another way is to adopt an open mind. Not for five minutes, saying your life is forever changed, then reverting back to old ways. Rather, pick up your life from where it is, accept it, and be kind to those in need of someone to listen. That is a lifelong change. Never be quick to judge, listen to all sides of the story before you send out a mass text to your top twenty friends.

I understand that homosexuality is not embraced by all people, I be writing this then. Even if your religion, family education, political views, et cetera, refutes homosexuality, never forget that the person you are judging is a person too. They put on their pants one leg at a time, like you.

When people as me why I, a completely straight person, fight for gay rights, I remember my cousin, and know that is what this fight is all about.

I BelieveWords by Ron PopeMusic
by Zach Berkman, Paul Hammer, and Ron Pope

The sun comes out from a sea of clouds,I shed my disguise, we laugh out loud.I am sure that some day soon,We'll all be just fine.I hear a choir of angels on a dead end street,The faces of children make me believe,That some day, some day soon,The dark will subside.We're calling out answers we don't know,Calling on friends we thought we'd lost.We all have to see what we've become.Waiting on chances, so far gone,Hoping our answers light the dark,Praying some day soon we'll understand,As we search for the promised land.I see a holy host of sweet confusion,And we all bleed, but some men choose,To stand up, stand up straight,When there's something to lose. It's not armies at war, a search for the truth.The questions we ask leave us more confused.There's nowhere left to rest,So what can we do?So we're calling out answers we don't know,Calling on friends we thought we'd lost.We all have to see what we've become.Waiting on chances, so far gone,Hoping our answers light the dark,Praying some day soon we'll understand,As we search for the promised land.I swear I believe,I said, "I swear, I believe."I said, "I swear, I believe."I said, "I swear, I believe."We're calling out answers we don't know,Calling on friends we thought we'd lost.We all have to see what we've become.Waiting on chances, so far gone,Hoping our answers light the dark,Praying some day soon we'll understand,As we search for the promised land.I swear I believe,I said, "I swear, I believe."I said, "I swear, I believe."I said, "I swear, I believe."

How can you explain?

High school is wonderful, but that isn’t all of it. It’s grades and pressure and dances and love and gossip and dreams and friends. High school is an adventure; high school is straightforward. High school is amazing; high school is appalling. High school forces you to grow up; high school lets you remain a child. Sometimes, the truth is made of lies.

It can be stated that high school is pure misery, but others argue that it is pure joy. No matter what is said, there is nothing like walking down the hall, seeing all the people mold into one. You see the labels: goth, cheerleader, drug addict, brainless, geek. You stop to listen what is playing in the halls, if you don’t like it, you reach for your iPod. It’s not beautiful, precisely. It is surprising; there is no way to be ready for all it has in store. It rules you.

You despise it, you wish to break into nonconformity, but for some reason you give in. To attempt to explain the true meaning for high school is like trying to explain love. There is no reason for it, yet we become attached to the feelings it gives us. Everything you learn in high school is lies; everything you learn in high school is real. At the center, another name could be given to high school: experience. It’s like after a test, you are filled with contentment or distress.

High school fills you to the brim with such intensity; it’s almost as if you leave yourself behind in search of another. You want to grow up. You want to live. You want to die. You want love and pain and dreams to come true. You want all the things you have never cared for before. High school rips you to the core; it is there that you begin to define yourself. You realize your true friends. You discover what loyalty really means. You come to love yourself, and love others, and love the world.

Late at night you type away on that last term paper, and you look out at the stars. As you find yourself studying the stars, thinking of what is to come; you are filled with such a desire. A desire that these days will never end. That these days will go on forever and the planets will align and that you will finally reach complete and utter satisfaction.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PE4TetHOKEs&feature=related

(IJM)

i honestly can not find the words in my brain to explain what occurred this past weekend. i went with friends to International Justice Mission's GPG (go google it...). rather that feeling guilty for how i live in wealth, while others struggle, my learning was enforced and situations brightened. i got to check upon what i had learned about at the 2008 GPG, and zipped about other nations i was interested in.

out of several choices, i decided i wanted to go to all of the african options. inspired by the fact that 3 out the 4 leaders were not born in africa, i prayed the hardest in these countries. in kenya, the leader broke down into tears, explaining how tough the work was on the staff stationed there. i don't think i'm ever going to forget a 6-foot-some man breaking down, about how his passion is slipping away as he runs to catch it with all he has.

i developed what i like to call "clinical prayer shoulder," which still hurts a tad. worth it.

i found out that i (extremely) dislike folk music, female voices are not to my liking. but i also found out that liturgical dance is what i'm meant to help in with the church. while anyone was singing, or humming, i couldn't help but to tap my foot. Ten Shekel Shirt took the stage on many occaisions, and i found myself dancing about.

i like to sleep among suitcases in the back of a van.

i pray short. to the point. no need for long, dragged out cries. get to the point of what you need, what you want for others, then relax in the spirit. in a few of my prayer groups, there were older women (from the south, unless my accent detector has gone wild) who could pray for ten minutes straight. if they really are that passionate, couldn't they raise awareness, or start a foundation at their home? see now i'm off on a rant. foo.

http://www.ijm.org/
http://www.ijminstitute.org/
http://vimeo.com/3893479


listening to: "trouble" by Ray LaMontagne

"'Cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand. What you've been up there searching for forever is in your hands. When you figure out love is all that matters after all, it sure makes everything else seem so small."

spoken word.

i've entered a contest at one of my service projects. because i like to think i am good at this sort of thing. i don't want to reveal too much, but it's going to be excellent. i'll put blips up here until it's done, then i'll record it to my facebook.

"after all, you're my wonderwall. but what are you going to do when we fall? never even move at all? baby, i crawled my way back to you, through storm and rain and lightening and wind. i thought i would find something more than remnants of memories, bits of my life, blown away in that same wind."


listening to: "lions, tigers & bears" by jazmine sullivan

i told you so, but you had to go.

i have no agenda, no motives, no crushes, no point. and i quite like it, as compared to being a strung-out wreck. yet, i miss having a goal, a chase.

not saying my long term goals are shot. i still have the same occupational dreams, it's the short term high school thoughts that are switching.

so i'll wait for the next thing to crash into me, freight train style.

i reccently watched "into the wild" again. i really disliked the end. it is theorized that the main character died from a moldly wild vegtable (since this is a true story), but in the movie he confuses an edible plant with an inedible. i did not like that such a strong story, with a heavy message, ended with the main character falling victim to an accident.

it's the little things.

i'm sitting outside, trying to soak up some sun, since i am not going anywhere for spring break. everyone in my neighborhood has flocked off to florida. college visits fell through, so now im waiting to go to IJM global prayer gathering this weekend! (www.ijm.org). so exciting.

i had one of my largest god times, ever, at ijm last year. there was a band (ten shekel shirt) that played, and i just let it all go. didn't care who heard me singing, didn't care who saw me dancing about. it was fantastic. good friends, good music, good food, god. what else would i want?

i'm going to have to set aside my expectations for this year however, for this year will never match up to last if i'm looking for satisfaction. i catch myself comparing a lot, then i end up never having a good time because i'm obsessed with this time exceeding that time.

my neighbors are gazing at me a little awkwardly. understand that it is warm outside, but still windy. so i have a jacket on that belongs to dad, furry shoes, and shorts. little strange. plus when i listen to music i blast it. so everyone is now subject to my music. haha.

listening to: "to make you feel my love" by kris allen.

you smile, you smile.

i have another hour and a half or so until anyone can hang out, thus i figured it would be useful to blog.

why does death have such power over our faith? why are we so quick to drop god when things are going wrong, rather than cling to him with all our might? people come and go, the circumstances are not always fantastic. we take the consequences, we pick up those fallen behind and care for them with all we have.

my laptop has now become the family laptop, which is obnoxious. mom drains it of battery, crashes it. brother spills food on it, put it in random places. i should be happy that i have computers accessible to me, but i can't keep getting blamed for the idiocracies of my family. i never asked for a laptop, i wanted my family to donate to a charity. but now the temptation is right in front of me, then it has been whisked away.

i changed my facebook to pirate speak? it's quite thrilling, except i don't really understand much of what it says. change yours, quite fun. (this be pleasin' to me eye)

listening to: "livin' our love song" by james michael caroll.

spring break 2009.

"i told you so" by carrie underwood (one of like 3 country songs i like.

Suppose I called you up tonight and told you that I loved you. And suppose I said "I wanna come back home". And suppose I cried and said "I think I finally learned my lesson" And I'm tired a-spendin' all my time alone. If I told you that I realised you're all I ever wanted, And it's killin' me to be so far away. Would you tell me that you loved me too and would we cry together?

Or would you simply laugh at me and say: "I told you so, oh I told you so I told you some day you come crawling back and asking me to take you in. I told you so, but you had to go. Now I found somebody new and you will never break my heart in two again".

If I got down on my knees and told you I was yours forever, Would you get down on yours to and take my hand? Would we get that old time feelin', would we laugh and talk for hours? The way we did when our love first began? Would you tell me that you'd missed me too and that you'd been so lonely And you waited for the day that I return. And we'd live in love forever and that I'm your one and only, Or would you say the tables finally turned?

Would you say: "I told you so, oh I told you so I told you some day you come crawling back and asking me to take you in I told you so, but you have to go Now I found somebody new and you will never break my heart in two again".

"Now I found somebody new and you will never break my heart in two again".

perhaps.

i have bypassed the best of the best. left them by the wayside. so what to do now, settle for second best? wait it out, hope something better and better comes along? throw it all on the line...again?



listening to: "always on my mind" by anoop desai.

finished the afore mentioned novel.

They Weren't There lyrics
Artist - Missy Higgins
Album - The Sound Of White
Lyrics - They Weren't There

You breathed infinity into my world, and time was lost. Up in a cloud and in a whirl. We dug a hole in the cool grey earth and lay there for the night.then you said, 'wait for me we'll fly the wind, we'll grow old and you'll be stronger without him' but oh, now my world is lost at your feet. I was lost and I was found, but I was alive and now I've drowned. So now I will be waiting for the world to hear my song so they can tell me I was wrong,

But they weren't there beneath your stare,and they weren't stripped 'till they were bareof any bindings from the world outside that room. And they weren't taken by the hand and led through fields of naked landwhere any pre-conceived ideas were blown away,so I couldn't say 'no'.

you sighed and I was lost in you, weeks could've past for all I knew. You were the blanket of the over-world and so I couldn't say - I wouldn't say - 'no' But they all said ' you're too young to even know, just don't let it grow and you'll be stronger without him' but oh, now my world is lost at your feet. I was lost and I was found, but I was alive and now I've drowned. So now I will be waiting for the world to hear my song so they can tell me I was wrong,

But they weren't there beneath your stare,and they weren't stripped 'till they were bareof any bindings from the world outside that room.And they weren't taken by the hand and led through fields of naked land where any pre-conceived ideas were blown away,so I couldn't say 'no'.

listening to: "all again for you" by we the kings.

regained my phone.

currently i am reading a book entitled "the men with the pink triangle." it was dictated to heinz heger in 1971, published 1980. the anonymous author was put into concentration camps under hitler's rule for being homosexual, and was compelled to have this book published but remained secretive for all of the trash he was still getting in the 1970s. i am at a part where he is in his first camp, and is put into a barrack with all the other gays. they sleep with the lights on and their hands out of their blankets, but no jew/disabled/jehovah witness/etc has to do this. he encounters a gay priest who is punished for refusing to stop praying...


"i felt i was witnessing the crucifixion of christ in modern guise. instead of roman soldiers, hitlers SS thugs, and a bench instead of the cross. the torment of the savior however was scarcely greater than that inflicted on one of his representatives 1900 years later here in sachsenhausen.

the next morning when we marched...we almost had to carry the priest, who seemed about to collapse from pain and weakness. when our block senior reported to the SS block sergeant, the latter came over to the priest and shouted:...."you filthy queer, you filthy swine, say what you are!" the priest was supposed to repeat the insults, but no sound came from the lips of the broken man. the SS man angrily fell on him and was about to start beating him once again.

suddenly the unimaginable happened, something that is still inexplicable to me and that i could only see as a miracle, the finger of god:

from the overcast sky, a sudden ray of sunshine illuminated the priest's battered face."

in short, this light unnerves those beating the priest. the priest murmurs a small prayer of thanks, and then quietly passes away.

i never expected to find passages like this. and i love it.


listening to: "against the wind" by bob seger

i'm so busy, or should be so busy. it would be so easy to freak out and become overwhelmed right now, but i'm going to refuse. it's days like this that i miss elementary, not the course load and marriages by the slide, but the fact that we had one teacher who had control over how much work me got. today, i have 7 different teachers with seven different agendas, and they could care less about the work in other classes, although they pretend to.

this morning i was at school an hour early to play the violin, as i will be tomorrow. my first period teachers assigned a test for thursday, third period i was assigned a speaking for thursday, fifth period i was alerted to a math test on wednesday, sixth period quiz today, seventh period quiz thursday, eighth period test tomorrow.

welcome to hotel hell, check-in time now, check-out time never.

i'll let you know what this insanity has taught me when i have time over spring break.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
but for now, what does it take to hold two people together? convenience, loyalty, honesty, fidelity, compassion, thrill? fufillment, carelessness, gossip?


listenting to: "baby" by the avons.

gotta love the dom.

"'In the end, it is just you and God.' This is deeply true. However, there is more. Because at the beginning, in the middle, and at each momentary blip – each quanta of time in between, it is just you and God too. It is always just you and God. "




listening to: "danger heartbreak dead ahead" by the marvelettes

from the midst of a breakup.

eating some chips i brought home from my job, the idea strikes me that i'm tired of being known as the bitchy, loud, sarcastic girl who always has a witty comeback. if i am quiet, people ask me what's wrong, and i'm supposed to come up with an explanation. what if i just don't feel like talking? i, naturally, could work to break this judgement by being more forgiving, more kind. but my tolerance for ignorace is 0. interesting line to tread upon.

prom is coming up in about a month and a half. the prom fever hasn't quite set in yet, and i hope it never will. it's is just another box to break out of, another hole of desolation to climb out of. i don't want to worry about a dress, a date, dinner, pictures, how to get there, etc. i know this is supposed to be the time of my life, but it doesn't feel like it. not that i wouldn't be excited to get a date, i'm just not in the right form of mind.

i apologize for my blog being dreary as of late, but i'm actually not sorry. this is me. check the marilyn monroe quote below.

now, chums. i am thinking of getting my hair cut. it is too hot to keep down all the time, due to it being ultra thick. like anne hathway's in the devil wears prada? bangs could be fun...

listening to: "they weren't there" by missy higgins.

hiding from dinner.

It is safe to say that the teenagers of our generation are underestimated. There is a notion that all high school students get into car crashes every week, love MTV, and are irresponsible. It is not a fair judgement, but the teens who live life in the fast lane are the ones that are heard. It doesn’t help that there is rarely good coverage of teenagers working-and succeeding- to make a difference.

Take Zach Hunter, a modern day abolitionist who has published a book (a good one), and appeared on television segments on CNN and Good Morning America. He works to abolish modern-day slavery, such as bonded labor and forced prostitution. He started a foundation called Loose Change to Loosen Chains when he was in 7th grade. Today, Zach Hunter is only 15. There is a reason that so few people have heard of him. A story about a drunken teens getting into a car accident makes better news than a teen working to save those who cannot save themselves.

Thus, a vicious cycle forms. All the majority hears is stories about reckless teens, because they appeal, then stereotypes and clichés form. Positive news is frowned upon. This is where in the underestimation of teens stems from, the blaming the actions of a loud few on the silent whole. This teenage generation is deemed as uninformed, reckless, unfocused.

Yet, how can we be uninformed if we are educated enough to form opinions and be willing to debate them? How can we be reckless if there are groups standing up against drunken driving, and against the desensitization of youth? How can we all not be capable of focusing, if we are surviving at one of the toughest high schools in the state?

What the world doesn’t realize is that there is power in the hands of the youth. We can be the most outspoken in a crowd; we are excellent at predicting the next big music group or the next fashion trend. Parents are finding that their teenager is more internet savvy than the entire household.

Teenagers produce a fresh point of view, and while adults are trying to muscle through walls, teens find ways to go around the roadblock. It takes a fresh mind to be able to watch television, carry on a conversation, and listen to music, all while being focused on homework. This is the type of multi-tasking mindset teenagers have, and it could be put to great use if given a chance.

Seen in one hand as the unknowing underdog, and in the other as the future of a nation, teenagers are highly underestimated through preconceptions.

wandering.

not sure if i will post more, or less over the coming weeks.

i reccently have found myself in quite a spot of trouble, with every lie i ever said coming back to haunt me, people coming out of the woodwork to inform my parents that i offend them, and teachers calling to see what is wrong with me. i have been attempting to convince my parents that this isn't some sort of elaborate "suck it" to them, but my mom still wants me to confess some internal struggle i have been having to justify my actions. truth: this is the person i have become, i apologize.

so over this groundation period, which is supposed to last until the 16th (except i forsee it going longer...), we will see what philsophical things i can collect to discuss. any ideas?

forgive, and never forget.

i'm not quite sure what i'm writing about, but i've forgotten to write for a week(ish) so i feel obligated to attempt at something interesting.

also i don't want to do my english paper yet.

i have decided that my next conquest will be learning how to longboard. no, not surfing, the kind with wheels. i've scootered, rollerbladed, slightly skateboarded, waveboarded, walked and ran. so i have found that longboarding would be the next rational step, and that way i can cruise about while playing my ukelele. all will be good. however, there is one error, most longboards are about as tall as me. hm. we'll see.

listening to: "if you could only see" by tonic.

fire alarm.

tonight during our orchestra concert, the symphony was interrupted during one of their endless songs by a racket...the fire alarm. the conductor continued on, trying to convince the members to follow him along the song, but many dropped their instruments and looked up startled.

we sat like trapped geese, rather than going outside we darted around the halls with no direct destination. we, upperclassmen, led a group out into the freezing cold. huddling together like penguins for warmth, we came to the conclusion about how ridiculous this whole idea was, and walked back inside. rushing to put away our instruments, we got into my car and went for ice cream.

this whole comedic episode shouldn't of been so funny, we should have been more prepared, or alarmed. and yet we have practice fire drills every two seconds with our terrible system. nothing is to be feared from fire alarms at our desensitized school.

this is why i'm led to say that all fire drills should be announced to everyone, since the teachers already know anyway. that way, when the real deal happens, we'll be readier than now.

jason mraz.

the next time i hear "i'm yours," i will probably go insane. so offense jason, but you have much better works. it's comparable to when the fray debuted, and everyone "loved" them. except the only song they had ever heard was "over my head (cable car).
of course it's catchy, the music video is cute. jason mraz filmed it haphazardly while vacationing in hawaii with friends. but how many times can i hear it? it's everywhere, a couple's anthem, on the radio, my mistaken itunes, television. i can't take it.
so if you hear it, remember this rant, and look up "i won't worry (the remedy)" or "wordplay." much better.


don't stop here, look at my older posts, i think i've gone a bit downhill haha. good work.

hmm.

quite joyous this evening, however exausted. we had a dinner/dance at church tonight, to raise money we needed for a mission trip. the youth planning on attending the trip had to help out, sound, entertainment, serve, etc.
i served food, to only ten people. they were quite nice, but i have to say that i have a lot more respect for waitresses now =) i never want to be a waitress, i will gleefully sit behind the cashier box at my work.
we raised quite a sum of what we needed, and even though i couldn't convince anyone to jitterbug with me, i am satisfied.

it's just sex?!

today at a service project, a freshman boy felt compelled to discuss with me his sexcapades. perhaps he was trying to impress me, but it didn't really work. when i pressed him for answers as to why sex had to be the next step in a relationship, he looked at me dumbfounded. why couldn't i realize that it was "just sex," nothing else.

but is it honestly "just sex"? when did the youth become so desensitized that they think it is fine to give away something that should be saved for the best of the best?

i blame the nonchalant attitude about sex, that started emerging during the conformity resistance periods of the '60s. sex dens became popular in the '80s, hugh hefner keeps going as an idol. music videoes glorify the skinnest, fittest women, who can groove to any beat. men are shown as ritzy, lots of cars and...dare i say it...bling.

face it, it's never "just sex." it is a part of yourself you give away, when you think you are ready, or not.

i'm a liberal, yet i don't fit many of the stereotypes you'll have. i wear a true love waits ring. it's kind of large, and has "faith" engraved right on the front. so i'm waiting for someone to come around, in the next 10-15 years, who i'll marry, and there goes that. it's worth it, for me, to wait for something to hold on to, rather than a fleeing high school lovefest.

i'm not trying to get all dr. drew on you, i'm just asking you to rethink. i never thought i would be blogging about this, but i am just fine with that. no personal attacks intended, i'm not judging anyone. just blogging, and i love it.

from the library.

Do Not!By Stevie Smith
Do not despair of man, and do not scold him,
Who are you that you should so lightly hold him?
Are you not also a man, and in your heart
Are there not warlike thoughts and fear and smart?
Are you not also afraid and in fear cruel,
Do you not think of yourself as usual,
Faint for ambition, desire to be loved,
Prick at a virtuous thought by beauty moved?
You love your wife, you hold your children dear,
Then say not that Man is vile, but say they are.
But they are not. So is your judgement shown
Presumptuous, false, quite vain, merely your own
Sadness for failed ambition set outside,
Made a philosophy of, prinked, beautified
In noble dress and into the world sent out
To run with the ill it most pretends to rout.
Oh know your own heart, that heart's not wholly evil,
And from the particular judge the general,
If judge you must, but with compassion see life,
Or else, of yourself despairing, flee strife.

twice in one day!?

saturday i was at a church downtown doing a service project. they had space, obviously money, manpower. so i was perplexed as to why we were there, couldn't they do it themselves? the truth was however, that they needed just as much help as any other group.

one student in the youth group that was helping us, her name was tori or vicki she let you pick, and she was wearing a tank top. when it was 50 degrees outside. she borrowed her youth pastors sweatshirt since she didn't have her own.

another student was off by himself, unincluded, and in talking to him i found that he was obsessed with japanese culture but no one was willing to listen to him. he knew more about japanese swords than i would ever want to know.

the last student i talked to in depth was a boy who was just hitting high school. he had been thrown into a school he didn't want, due to the columbus city school lottery. he liked skinny jeans, tight shirts, but he was completely straight. "it's hard to resist labels," he said "so sometimes i just give in and let them say what they want to say." i think that's a terrible mentality, but what are the choices? give in and fit in, or stand up and be harassed.

many people are obsessed with adopting children from third world countries, i admit i would like a multi cultural house as well. but there is a line, how come other countries are more attractive to fix, rather than looking internally and fixing our own?

wishful prayer.

hey god it's me again, knocking on your chamber door. i can't afford to hear "nevermore" anymore, i need answers. i need a sign.
they say you work mysteriously, in ways that can't be seen. i don't want that. i want a loud god, one who will sweep me away from hurt and harm. one who will hand me coffee and say "sit down, take care of yourself, i've got it covered."
hey god it's me again, standing on your porch. it's like a house, where you know the family is inside and they won't open the door. show me the way, guide me the way.
i'm trying to do everything, and nothing is panning out. tell me a story, lord, when the lights have all dimmed, about when it will be alright again.
hey god, not going to lie, i'm happy for what i have. and yet i'm missing a piece in the 1000 piece puzzle. feels like that piece is you.
so reveal yourself, i call you to me. i call you to those who need you.


listening to: "dancing" by elisa.

relax.

now that i feel back to myself, i am writing a cheery post about something. i just haven't figured out what yet.

lately, my circle has been divided over who is willing to forgive, who to trust, who to tell. objects that seemed attractive at first are losing their sheen, and revealing the ugly undertones. trust has been compromised, thanks to the one person in the group who seems to never know when to shush.

i've gone back to my roots in the past week, figured out why i am where i am, and why i chose this way.

i discovered that what is new, is not always beautiful. always be prepared for consequences, but sometimes it's better to care about the consequences later.

you are an individual, if you feel that characteristic is being compromised remember that the other person is no better than you, and you no better than they. (Matt 20:16?!)

never let your faith in someone fade, unless they completely shoot themselves in the foot.

i refuse to forgive someone so utterly wrong, but i appreiciate my friends telling me i should forgive anyway. i still will not forgive, now anyway.

keep your best friends close, stand by them with everything you have.

that's about it, what i have found out this week anyway. i haven't figured out how i will deal with all these realizations yet, but that's another chapter, and i don't have the Zeit right now to psychoanalyze myself.

not very cheery. drat. avast!

listening to: "you make it real" by james morrison.

truth.

""I am selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle. However, if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

-marilyn monroe

OP, numba 3.

When I was 5, my younger brother (age three) was diagnosed with Autism. The year he was diagnosed, 1996, no doctor had heard of Autism, or knew what to do with the children that showed symptoms of having this learning disability. My mother had to sue Reynoldsburg School Systems, research for why my brother wasn‘t developing mentally as fast as other students, and fight to prove everyone wrong. What I would like to discuss in this OP is how I believe in standing by your principals, even when everyone says you are wrong, within reason.

My mother upheld this idea by standing by her principals by researching, I am not saying to stand by your principals if you are ignorant of other viewpoints. Take the election as an example. Obama fans were bashing McCain fans, McCain fans were bashing Obama fans. Emotions ran high. However there was always the blind supporter, who loved anything their candidate said, without ever checking their opinions for fact. When brought into an argument, the supporter often became violent, because they came to the abrupt realization that they had nothing to back themselves up.

Closer to home, I hold my values of family closer than anything. It is what I believe in. Understand that my family isn’t exactly conventional, with there only being 10 biological members. The rest is made up of friends who are so close to me they may as well be my family. I will stand by them, definitely take their side in a fight. We keep each other accountable on our beliefs, and make sure we all have conclusive principals. We do not agree all the time, of course, which is a central part of family.

Now, take people in International Justice mission. They are working to free the 27 million slaves worldwide, with stations all over the world where they word to free sex slaves, forced laborers, and those who are victims of land grabbing. They stand by what they believe, and work for what they believe, because they know it is right, and they have proof of why they work for what they do.

The reason for this OP comes from the past few weeks of my life, where I have been challenged and accused of not being real. I stand by my principals, and will not move them unless I find out I am soundly wrong. So this Occasional Paper is a call for understanding, for forgiveness, for principals. A call to stand by what you believe, without being afraid of being wrong.

As much that my mother annoys me some days, I keep her close as a role model. Hopefully some day I can help someone learn the way she taught those doctors who said that Autism was not real.

settle.

what's so wrong with being single? is it a fear of being alone, a fear of being forgotten? what is gained from jumping from lover to lover like an insane leapfrog?
the relationship is all the sweeter when it is worked toward, when it is gained through work. rather than waiting and endlessly romantically wishing.
have faith if you're single, it's always fun. stay strong if you're taken, leave nothing for granted.

desert.

faith. it's something we all have, and we keep it in fashions that are all different. i'm not just dicussing the christian faith, but other types. faith in ourselves, faith in others, faith in belonging.
what if your surroundings were taken away? what if you had no one to lean on? where would your faiths lay?
i was thinking this during church today, about how many believers would believe without their church family to lean on. if it was all stripped away, would god be enough? he should be, but would he be?

listening to: "light up the sky" by yellowcard/

shards.

what brings you back to a person again and again, even if you know it's wrong?
i believe it is because when we fall for someone, we give them a snippet of our heart. and are willing to have it damaged/torn for whatever could work out. these pieces are never returned, so if an old flame starts to look good again, off you go. at the least, you'll be mildly atrracted to them even though you know it's so wrong.
so you'll be more willing to sit with them, talk with them, all for a connection you think is there.

i'm in a bit of a philisophical mood tonight, probably due to the sugar intake and hour of the night. i started this blog so i would stop harassing people every day on facebook with tags to my notes, but i've started to miss ye olde fb. it was the instant gratification i think, the fact that you knew people would be reading what you bothered to ponder. but here there is less pressure, because it's more open and i couldn't care less who reads this.

unless you're a creep. then you got to go.

listening to: "a drop in the ocean" by the district.

discovered.

i have steadily found out that i have way more readers than i thought i ever would, so hello my new internet stalker friends!

i can't believe this is my last time registering for classes at a high school. kind of surreal. but i'm graduating with way more credits than needed, and with some serious community service so i'll be alright.

thinking about the future, i have decided what to do for my 18th birthday. since it's on a thursday this year, i figure friday will be piercing day and saturday will be tattoo day. i want to get my ears double piecered and my cartiledge done on the right side. then for tattoo day i want to get a puzzle piece with a heart in it on the back of my shoulder. why a puzzle piece you ask? puzzle pieces are the symbol for autism (hello, brother) like how ribbons are for cancer and such.

i would go more in depth, but i'll be up early tomorrow saving the world, so must sleep. lots of love.

listening to: "forget about you" by cary brothers.

watching.

i've decided reccently that i'm tired of being let down. so i'm ditching expectations of everything. it all will become new, and wonderful experiences. if i hold everything up to a standard, what will ever be excellent enough to meet what i want?
example: lakeside 2008. we wanted it to be better than 2007, so we kept comparing it to that. we were miserable, wondering what we had done for fun. but the second we stopped trying to find entertainment and let the fun find us, it was a lovely year.
think about it.

listening to: "second chance"-shinedown. (doesn't make a bit of sense, but i like it.)

"you said there's tons of fish in the water, so the water i will test."

so i have a new song that a stalk, i'll paste the parts i like below. it's a rap song by twista, that states problems honestly, but then faith evans in the chorus brings in the hope... so here's "hope" by twista/faith evans.

"I wish the way I was livin' could stop
Servin' rocks, knowin' the cops is hot when I'm on the block

And I - wish my homies wouldn't have to suffer
When the streets get the upper hand understand we lose a brother
And I - wish I could go deep in the zoneAnd lift the spirits of the world with words within this song (I wish)
And I - wish I could teach us all to fly
Take away the pain out your hands and help you hold 'em high

And I - wish God had never gave the men power
To be able to hurt the people inside the Twin Towers (I wish)
And I - wish God would've turned they hearts righteous
When they started to take innocent lives and become snipers

But uh - we will never break though they devastate
We shall motivate, and we gotta pray, all we got is faith
Instead of thinkin' about who gon' die today
The Lord is gon' help you feel better so you ain't gotta cry today

Sit at the light so long
And then we gotta move straight forward cause we bite so strong
So when right go wrong
Just say a lil' prayer, get your money man, life goes on...

Cause I'm hopeful, yes I am, hopeful for today
Take this music and use it, let it take you away
And be hopeful, hopeful, and He'll make a wayI know it ain't easy but - that's okay
Just be hopeful

I wish that you would show some love
Instead of hatin' so much when you see some other people comin' up (I wish)
I wish I could teach the world to sing
Write some music and have them trippin' off the joy I bring

Shit - I wish that we can hold hands
Listenin' instead of dissin', lessons from a grown man (I wish)
And I - wish the families that lack but got love
Get some stacks, brand new shack, and a 'Llac that's on dubs
And I - wish we could keep achieving wonders
See the vision of the world through the eyes of Stevie Wonder (I wish)
You feel me - and I hope all the kids eat
And don't nobody in my family see six feet - ya dig?

Cause I'm hopeful, yes I am, hopeful for today
Take this music and use it, let it take you away
And be hopeful, hopeful, and He'll make a wayI know it ain't easy but - that's okay
Just be hopeful

You can be wrong if it's you doubtin'With the faith of a mustard seed, you can move mountains
And only the heavenly father can ease the hurt
Just let it go and keep prayin' on your knees in church

Just be hopeful

I'm obsessed with finding christianity in secular music, reading rap lyrics online and discovering the hidden words, and other musical insanity. so if you don't really do the whole "god thing" and want to know some good music, want some god music, or just don't care, contact me. i got cha.

home.

if there was a word to combine amazing and terrible, that would be what i would use to describe this weekend. the house was amazing, the friends were amazing, but other parts were not going for me so much.
but then in an effort to fix the issues, we hurt the feelings of those who planned the earlier activities. the "mature" tried to force the still growing. overall, it was forgotten that we were on a level playing field, that everyone is the same. no one should have to prove their worth to anyone except god.
we went out and stood on frozen lake erie at night to steal a few conversations without interruption, but what did we have to hide? we had to hide our honest opinions of others, to remain a loving group. but where does love start and honesty begin? shouldn't they be interrelated? i don't think so. i love someone as a child of god, and i won't bash them by telling them all their "bad" qualities to make them stop being obnoxious.
the bonds developed were amazing, the laughter never ended. yet neither did the tension, and i don't expect it will soon.

excitement.

sitting next to buffer again in another part of the library, she's telling me about her grandfather who is falling apart =(

ready to leave for the retreat, i'll repost with all the wonders on sunday!

library.

i am blogging from the library at lunch, with buffer by my side as she frantically searches for quotes to finish her commonplace book.
yesterday, and today, and probably tomorrow have been/will be a tad crazy. lots to do, so little time. love it.
this weekend our church is going on a retreat, to a rather large house (let me be vauge, it's the internet!). it's going to be oodles of fun, but some people are already comparing it to last year's retreat, saying that it won't be as good. comparisons are what will make the retreat seem lame, never compare something to another, it will only pale in your comparison. this weekend is going to be a new experience, and i'm going to take it as such.
also, take my advice and do not procrastinate, or you'll end up like frantic buffer here. =)

i was annoyed out of my mind at church today.

the band was slightly practicing, except they were mostly fighting about how the songs should go, and in what order. i was setting up the graphics for the service, then everyone came and crowded around me (as they tend to). i accidentaly shut down the computer, because a few people wanted to insert things, and thought they knew how to do it better than i and were being ultra "i'm awesome" about it. church had many electronic errors, and who came up with the idea of letting the band play 3 depressing songs in a row?

the mature ladies were annoyed with the immature boys who kept whispering in the back.

prayer wasn't really prayer, more something we just had to get done to get out.

i realize the message of "where do you need god?" is efficient, but honestly the teenagers are not being reached. we travel and expericence several churches, but ours remains the same. it seems to be more frustrating than endearing.

Love.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?Actually, who are you not to be?You are a child of God.Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone, and as we let our own light shine we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
-Nelson Mandela

Dependent.

I don't want to be dependent.
But I-
I'm so tired of being independent.
Sitting here,
Wishing,
Waiting,
Wanting.
Wishing for you to pick me.
Waiting for you to notice me.
Wanting you.
Who is "you"?
I don't even know.
But I know that I want a "you".
Someone that wishes for me,
Someone that waits for me,
Someone that wants me.
I don't want to settle.
I will only compromise when I finally find the real "you",
That takes me,
As me.

hope.

hello obama, goodbye bush.

tonight is one of those nights when i can't fall asleep until insanely late, then i regret it in the morning. this semester i have a discussion-based course, and there are only 12 (soon to be 9) girls. i have to say that that might not work out so well. unless i just talk the whole period. which is possible. it's about covering all the bases of the holocaust, and learning the history of all the "ism's". i think it's going to be excellent, minus the tiny class factor.
i look up to my closet doors as i type away, and i have to supress a laugh. imagine an ice-blue painted room, with closet doors covered in magazine clippings. the majority are obama bits, neil patrick harris covers a good part, david cook, zac efron, jonas brothers, duke u poster, goethe institute poster, inspirational phrases, and....jack bauer. haha. i think you can learn a lot about a person from their closet doors.

"jellybean, how you doin' jellybean?"

Today for our weekly service project, my friends and I went to, what in reality, was an elderly day care. I think we were put into the senile section though, since I was stalked about by various men (over 80) who wanted me to carry their children. Yikes.
One woman had been overtaken by Alzheimers, but her caretaker told us she used to be part of a girls group called The Cookies in the 1960s, and she was a backup singer for Ray Charles. Today, she just lurks about and stares at people, and elbows the old personnel. Looking beneath the surface never ceases to be amusing.
Another woman, named Juanita, related everything to alcohol. She also won several thousand dollars in bingo competitions in her day, so she's a bit of a bingo celebrity.
Henry, who loves old (I mean old) cowboy movies, and sings randomly to fit the mood.
I loved today, and I'm happily prepared to become old and senile.

Just a chance.

I have to say that I'm disappointed. Then again, I'm obviously a biased source since I've been a democrat since I realized that I don't have to follow my parents.
Obama is taking office tuesday, I'm ultra excited. Some people are still filled with hate though, still making racist jokes, still making snide attacks.
I would say the exact same thing to myself if McCain was about to take office, just give the man a chance. You can't go into a new situation with hate, and bias, and expect things to end up well. What happens will never meet your expectations. You'll never be happy with President Obama, if you are waiting for someone who meets your exact specifications to come along.
I'm sorry for those who are still spiteful about the election, and wish they would bother to learn about the man who is about to take over. If they still aren't satisfied, then why don't they take office? Good luck.

The first, real, post =)

It’s easy to lose yourself, amid the 21st century flood of pressure, graphics, and noise.
I’ve been told that I should go into writing, so here I am. I never thought I was a blogger, but looking at my facebook notes, I realize that’s exactly what I was doing. Just not as available to everyone in the world.
I recently downloaded David Cook’s self-titled album off iTunes. All of my friends know I’m a big David Cook stalker. One of my favorite songs on the album is “permanent.” David wrote 99% of the songs on this album, and all of them show little windows into the his life. This song, along with “A Daily AntheM”, is dedicated to his brother Adam’s (A Daily AntheM) struggle with cancer. Permanent is one of the most sincere, raw songs that I have heard. Secular, and yet filled to the brim with Christ.
It’s one of those songs that reminds me not to lose myself.
“I know he’s going through hell every day, so I ask ‘Oh God is there some way for me to take his pain?’”
It feels into how I’ve been feeling recently pretty damn well. I see people every day going through so much, one person in particular. There’s nothing that they want me to do, but there is everything that I want to do. I’ve prayed, I’ve asked, I’ve yelled. And there is nothing I can do that would make them accept me. Not a thing. Which hurts.
There was a blip on YouTube the other day, showing David Cook accepting his American Idol title. He cried. He always cried.
I wonder what it would be that to be that grateful all the time.

Here it is.

I’m loud, I’m sarcastic, I’m unstable.
I’m shy, I’m happy, I’m everyone’s rock.
I’m multi-faceted.
So when I’m kind to you, don’t ask if you are “back on my good side.”
Chances are you were never on my so-called “bad side”.
I’m a happy single lady.
I wish I wasn’t a single lady.
I coach people through break ups, through make ups, through those trashy nights that they don’t remember (and will never forget).
I demand respect.
I have a hefty fear of sales associates.
You don’t know me, don’t pretend you do. There’s only One who knows everything about me, and it’s certainly not you.
I don’t judge.
I’m judgemental.
Life is a struggle between who you are, who you want to be, who God wants you to be, who your peers want you to be. I’m not perfect, never. You’re not perfect, never. So lean with it, rock with it, because I’ll change who I am. It’s not two-faced, not being fake, not trying to blend in. It’s the struggle to find me.
I love music.
I hate the word “retarded”. (Can I ever express that enough?)
I love dance.
I hate people who say life is terrible. You have a house, however dysfunctional.
I love history.
I hate math.It’s as simple as that, to classify me. And yet, I don’t think I fit.
Not athletic, not a singer, not a scholar.
A giver, a lover, a leaver.
I dislike bitchy people. And yet, you can find I'm the biggest bitch ever if you mess with me.
I have friends all across the board. UA, Dublin, Hilliard, Whitehall, Bexley. Don't act shocked, and ask me how I know so many people.
I don’t know where this is coming from, I don’t really care.
I’m tired of being put in a box of the expected.
Expected to be crazy.
Expected to be hyper.
Expected to be obnoxious.
What if I don’t want to be regular Megan?
I feel like a train, that sees the track switching, but still wants to go on the original path.
I know what I want.
I hate what I want.
I don't want to talk.
I want to talk.
Here it is.